


Back from the Edge

by castledfranks



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Drug Use, F/M, JAY IS SO IN LOVE, Jay saves Erin from herself again, mentions of Nadia's death, post-Nadia's death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-02
Updated: 2017-03-02
Packaged: 2018-09-27 22:29:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10054373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castledfranks/pseuds/castledfranks
Summary: Jay saves Erin from spiraling out of control after Nadia's death. Erin has left Intelligence, but Jay's not giving up that easily...





	

**Author's Note:**

> Just moving all my works from Tumblr to here! Comment if you like :)

Jay walked briskly down Wabash Avenue, ignoring the stares of passerbys. He knew he looked like a dead man walking; he hadn’t shaved in a few days and his eyes were undoubtedly bloodshot from lack of sleep. If he saw himself on the street, he’d think he was a heroin addict on the hunt for his next hit.

But Jay’s problems were much bigger than that.

It had been a week since Voight told the squad that Erin had resigned. For the first few days, Jay left her alone. To be honest, he thought this was another task force thing; Erin would come to her senses and be back in no time. Plus he was nursing a bruised ego, wondering why she didn’t tell him herself. But by day three with no contact, Jay started to get worried… worried to the point that he was desperate enough to confront Voight one on one for more details.

He remembered that conversation, the finality in Voight’s tone when he said that Erin wasn’t coming back. It scared him when Voight mentioned Bunny’s involvement in her decision, his voice cracking with each word as he barely kept his own composure. He was terrified for Erin, and Jay knew by now that if Voight was afraid of something, it was no small matter.

After that, he went back to his apartment and stared at the ceiling all night. Thoughts of Erin’s suffering consumed him, and he just wanted to be close to his partner, his friend, his dot dot dot. 

The next morning, he called her five times. Five. He felt like a clingy boyfriend desperately trying to save a damaged relationship. In truth, his emotions were getting the better of him. He was worried about her, but he was also pissed. How could she just quit Intelligence and not even say anything to him? After everything they’d been through, did he really mean that little to her?

He rounded the corner and headed into their favorite coffee shop, the one they hit up every Thursday morning before reporting for team meetings. He needed the caffeine to keep his brain functional; he was trying to figure out where the hell Erin could be. He’d been by her apartment, Voight’s, Bunny’s. Nobody knew where she was except Bunny, and she wasn’t saying jack, even with the threat of jail time. Alarm bells had gone off in his head. What had Bunny gotten her into?

He took a long sip of his strong, black coffee. It didn’t even phase him when the scalding hot liquid burned his throat. He rubbed his hand over the stubble littering his cheeks and blinked himself awake a few times. Then, it dawned on him. The only reason Bunny would be so reluctant to tell Jay Erin’s whereabouts was if she was at…

He took off towards his car; he was only a block or two away. He pulled in front of Landon’s crappy apartment and his tires screeched to a stop. He sprinted up the stairs and kicked in the front door, coming face to face with her.

She jumped, obviously startled by his invasive entrance, but he could tell she wasn’t herself. She was wearing nothing but a tank top and her underwear, but it didn’t seem to phase her. Her eyes were glassy, like she hadn’t slept in months, and she seemed completely exhausted in both mind and body.

Landon, on the other hand, was passed out on the couch beside her, unmoved by the noise. Erin got to her feet and approached him, stumbling a bit over the rug, which had bunched at the corner.

Jay took in the scene in awe. He knew Erin: this wasn’t her anymore. In fact, she fought so hard to get away from this life, and now what? She was spiraling back down into everything she despised? No. This had to be Bunny. She preyed on her daughter’s vulnerabilities before; Jay was stupid to think this time would be any different.

He reached for her hand, but she pulled it away, instead backing him up towards the kitchen. Pizza boxes and beer bottles littered the floor, and out of the corner of his eye he noticed a line of white powder on the counter. He shook his head and touched her shoulder, unable to wait any longer to feel her skin beneath his calloused fingers. “Erin,” he said, at a loss for words. “What… what are you doing?”

“I’m fine,” she muttered, raising her shoulders to her neck and rolling them as though she’d slept on the floor the previous night.

He grunted. “No, you’re not.” He waved his hand around the kitchen before walking over to the drugs and picking up the empty plastic shell of a pen. “I mean really? This is what you’d rather be doing?”

“I can’t go back Jay. Nadia’s dead and that’s on me.”

He shook his head. “Don’t. Nadia’s death is on Yates and we got him for it.” 

”She’d have been no where near him if I hadn’t forced her into this career.” She stumbled backwards to lean against the counter, running her fingers over the cool marble. “She didn’t belong in Intelligence, and neither do I. This is me. This is what I’m meant to be.”

His heart broke for her. He could feel her pain because he shared in it. He knew what it felt like to feel responsible for someone’s life, to lose someone on your watch. He also knew that if she let those demons consume her, it’s game over. “I know you don’t wanna talk, but what you’re doing here… if Voight finds out, you’re done. You can’t sink back into this; you’ve gotta pull yourself out.”

She shook her head. “I can’t.” Tears filled her eyes and she wiped at her cheek. “God, Jay, I see her, you know? I see her when I close my eyes, when I’m walking down 8th towards that stupid park she loved to study in. And I just want it to go away. This makes it go away.”

“You really wanna wipe away years of right for this one wrong?” When she didn’t budge, he bit his lip and shook his head. “Nope. I’m not gonna let you do it. Get your stuff… we’re leaving.”

She jerked her arm away and rubbed the spot where his hand had been as if his touch burned her flesh.

He cocked a brow, both surprised and annoyed by her reaction. “Erin,” he said, stepping closer so he loomed over her. He was done playing nice. “I will carry you outta here on my shoulders, drag you to rehab and throw away the key if I have to. But you WILL be leaving this hole… NOW. It’d be better for both of us if it were willingly.” He folded his arms over his chest, the leather on his jacket squeaking, and stared her down with the most intense fire he could muster. It was easy; his instincts had kicked in and he would protect her, no matter how much she resented him in the end.

She was pissed and he could tell. She stood in front of him, mocking his stance, but he didn’t even flinch - just silently challenged her to keep fighting him. He knew damn well she knew he’d keep his word.

After what felt like hours, she finally broke, rolling her eyes and grabbing her purse. She stomped towards the door, pouting like a teenager, and yanked it open.

Jay came up behind her and slammed it shut. “Nuh uh,” he whispered, his breath tickling her ear and the back of her neck where goosebumps began to form. “Clothes on.”

She turned to the side so he could see her icy glare before retreating to Landon’s bedroom.

“What’s going on?”

Jay turned and was face to face with Landon. The guy reeked of booze and terrible morning breath. “Dude,” Jay said, making a face and swatting the air. “Back up.”

Landon ignored the request and instead stepped forward.

Jay reached out and put his fingertips on Landon’s chest to stop him from crowding his space. He was getting impatient and just wanted to get Erin the hell out of this toxic environment. When he heard her open the front door, he felt Landon lurch forward again and finally, he shoved him.

Landon stumbled backwards and cursed at Jay, but Jay ignored it. Instead, he looked the tattered man-boy straight in the eye. “If you come near Erin again, I promise you… I will break your neck.” And with that, he was trotting out the door after Erin.

He found her leaning against his car, arms folded and looking like hell warmed over. Even in her heavy jacket, she was shivering, no doubt the effects of the drugs she’d taken the night before. The sight made him angry but also made his chest ache; he never thought he’d ever see her so low. Sure he’d heard stories about her past, even saw her informant file at headquarters. But until this moment, it all seemed surreal.

“Well,” she grumbled. “You got me out. Was your plan to just stand outside all day until I sober up?”

Jay shook his head and rubbed the growing stubble beneath his chin. He cleared his throat, which was bone dry, and fished around his pocket for his car keys. “You know what Erin?” But he stopped. Nope; not today. Today wasn’t the day. The time wasn’t right.

“What?”

He shook his head and shoved the key in the passenger side door.

Erin laughed. “Ah so now I’m getting the silent treatment.”

Jay pulled open the door and held onto it for dear life as he felt his control slipping away. Word vomit formed at the base of his throat and no matter how hard he swallowed, it wouldn’t go down. “What the hell do you see in Landon anyway? I mean… please tell me it was just the drugs.”

“Why,” she said, licking her lips. “Jealous?”

Jay couldn’t help but laugh. “At that sad little weeny? Not a chance.”

“Then why don’t you just say what you wanna say, because I’m not getting into the car until you do.”

Jay threw his head back in exhaustion. “Now’s not the time. It’s like, two degrees out here; just get in the car.” He pointed to the inside of the car as he watched his exhale travel up into the cold grey sky.

She didn’t move. Instead, she glared at him through tired eyes and continued to shake.

It was clear to him she was determined to make him say it. And he’d be damned if he let her freeze to death in the process. She was too damn stubborn for her own good, and she always knew how to strip him raw, make him vulnerable in a way he never was with anyone else. He hated that about her, how she knew it too, and hated how she was using it now.

He rolled his eyes. “Come on Erin. You know I care about you.”

She pursed her lips and laughed, glancing down the road at the traffic up the block. “That’s not it.”

Jay threw his hands up. “What are you talking about?”

“Oh please,” she retorted. “I’ve never know you to be a pussy, Jay.”

Jay raised a brow, surprised at her brazen comment. “You want me to tell you I have feelings for you, huh?” When she simply pursed her lips, he shook his head and licked his lips. “Fine,” he said, slapping his hands down against his thighs. “I want to be with you Erin, okay? And not just for a fling. I want the real thing.”

“And Voight?”

“To hell with Voight. I’m sick of him standing in my way.”

Erin ducked her head and looked at her feet. She shoved her hands in her jacket pocket and curled her body away from Jay, as if to retreat within herself. “Jay,” she whispered, but stopped short for a moment. She glanced to her side and stared at her muddled reflection in the glass windows of Landon’s apartment building. For the first time, she didn’t recognize the person staring back at her.

Her makeup had fallen, causing the illusion of dark circles under her eyes. Her nose was bright red from the cold and wrinkles has appeared on her forehead, aging her at least ten years. One night of partying and she had taken ten steps backwards. She didn’t like who she was staring at… not at all.

“How could you feel that way now?” The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them and she instantly regretted it. Erin Lindsay never showed weakness, never verbalized it.

“Are you serious?” His voice shook.

Erin shook her head. “Look at me,” she said, extending her arms.

Her reaction broke his heart, and he could no longer stand to have this distance between them - both physically and mentally. He stepped towards her and grabbed her ice-cold hands in his, rubbing his thumbs over her silk flesh. “Erin, I know you. All of you. Your past, your present. And the truth is I haven’t stopped thinking about a future with you since the day I joined this unit.”

“And you… still want to be with me in spite of all that?”

“I want to be with you BECAUSE of that.” He paused and took a deep breath, letting the icy air chill his lungs. “Erin, when are you going to realize that it doesn’t matter what you did or what you do? I love you. I do. For the woman you are, and all the things that shaped you. The good, the bad. Everything.”

A few snowflakes began to fall as she stood in awe of him. Why it was so hard to believe, she’d never know, but she just couldn’t understand how he still wanted the hot mess that stood before him. She carried so much baggage with her, but then again, he had baggage too. A different kind, but baggage all the same. And she loved him for it. She did.

She reached up and brushed a snowflake from his lashes and rested her palm against his cheek. “I love you too,” she finally answered, her breath tickling his nose. She stood up on her tip toes and kissed him softly. “And I’m sorry.”

He hugged her tightly against his chest, his arms enveloping her in the most comfortable embrace she’d ever felt. His fingers tangled themselves in her hair as he kissed her forehead repeatedly. “Don’t ever apologize for stumbling. Just promise me next time you’ll lean on me instead of push me away, okay?”

She nodded and wiped at her eye. “Promise.”

“Come on. We need to get you somewhere you can dry out before Voight catches you.”

“You gonna turn me in?”

Jay smiled and wrapped his arm around her, rubbing his hand up and down her arm. “You know me better than to even ask.” He kissed her temple one last time and let his lips linger a moment. “Come on.“

He shut the door and she shimmied into the passenger seat, watching him trot around to the driver’s side. When he got in, he winked at her and turned the key in the ignition, taking care to point the vents in her direction so that hot air warmed her chilled bones. She smiled at his gentle gesture and turned to gaze out the car window at the snow that was starting to dust the ground. She suddenly felt an overwhelming warmth sensation, and she knew it had nothing to do with the heat. It was Jay. It had always been Jay.


End file.
